Funny Status Ideas

I found a spider in my shoes. He looked ridiculous, they're way too big for him

Guy tip of the day: To avoid arguments about the toilet seat, use the sink...

My girl is complaining that I never buy her jewelry. In my defense, I didn't even know she sold jewelry. :-/

I let a Jehovahs Witness in my home, I sat him down and said, 'what do you have to tell me?' he said, 'I don't know, never made it this far

The computers were down at work today, so we had to do everything manually. It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards to play solitaire.

I don't trust stairs. They always look like they're up to something.

Me: It's a dark comedy with no romance and everything goes wrong for the main character. Her: Which film? Me: Film? I'm describing my life.