Funny Status Ideas

My girl is complaining that I never buy her jewelry. In my defense, I didn't even know she sold jewelry. :-/

I let a Jehovahs Witness in my home, I sat him down and said, 'what do you have to tell me?' he said, 'I don't know, never made it this far

The computers were down at work today, so we had to do everything manually. It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards to play solitaire.

I don't trust stairs. They always look like they're up to something.

Me: It's a dark comedy with no romance and everything goes wrong for the main character. Her: Which film? Me: Film? I'm describing my life.

I hope my coworkers think my clicking furiously on the computer is a sign of productivity, rather than trying to beat my time on minesweeper

We need to start thinking what kind of world we're leaving to Keith Richards after we die.