Funny Status Ideas

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

I could be a morning person if morning happened after 11.

If our son ever decides he wants to play sports, I'll sign up to be his coach. It's important that he knows that I'll swear at other kids too.

Make sure you tip your waitress. It is very funny when they fall over.

Don't get me wrong, this Chinese take-out is amazing. But I'll be damned if they expect me to believe that a chicken fried this rice.

It's painful to admit, but I do have a few people blocked. It's sort of my own personal ''no-fly'' list. As in, ''no, your crap aint gonna fly here.''

I wonder who the first person was to look at a beehive and think, "those bastards are hiding something delicious in there, I know it!"