Funny Status Ideas

I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.

The only time I've ever early to anything is when I'm dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.

The British Olympic team is going to dominate in Quidditch.

And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.

You have my attention but it's already planning an escape.

Watched five movies on Netflix last night and now my "recommended for you" queue is "pay some bills" and "clean the bathroom"

What did I do on the toilet before smart phones were invented?