Funny Status Ideas

This would be the absolute perfect time to actually rob Ryan Lochte.

Jared began and ended his Subway career trying to get into smaller and smaller pants.

Whether a Vacuum is on or off, it's always collecting dust.

What happened to all the Sour Patch parents?

Let's be honest, Dos Equis. After a bunch of ANY beer, what guy DOESN'T think he's the most interesting man in the world?

I’m going to start telling girls that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.

I was disappointed to learn that ‘landlady’ isn’t the opposite of a mermaid.