Funny Status Ideas

You know you're too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree, and then realize it was just your air freshener hanging from the rear view mirror.

Last night I ordered a pizza and the delivery guy told me the most amazing joke. Well, the joke was alright, but the delivery was pretty good.

I get enough exercise by just pushing my luck.

I don't think I drink too much, but last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it!

I wonder if I could get a job as a babysitter if I referenced my Facebook group admin experience.

I love how stars are billions of miles apart and we're like "that's a soup ladle".

Debate?.....isn't that what you use to catch "The Fish" ?