Funny Status Ideas

I wish I was a jedi, but mostly just so I didn't have to bend over to pick up dog poop.

‪I will not sleep until I find a cure for my insomnia. ‬

Henry Heimlich, the inventor of the Heimlich Maneuver, died at age 96. People are pretty choked up about it.

Don't ya wish you could hold people up to the light like a $20 bill to tell if they're fake or real?

If I ever become a brain-dead and I'm just laying in a hospital bed all day, the least you can do is put me into funny poses.

Working in retail has taught me that the customer is always right. At least while they're in earshot...

The people who insist you say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" are just trying to Police Navidad.