Funny Status Ideas

Dating would be a lot easier if the opposite sex had a tail. That way, I could see if it was wagging or not after I did or said something.

This year for Lent I'm giving up hanging out with all the people who gave up drinking for Lent.

That's the last time I ask Jesus to bring the water for the AA meeting...

I wouldn't mind being alone with my thoughts, if I didn't know them all so well.

I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.

After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast.

Who called them contractions and not birthquakes?