Funny Status Ideas

Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?

The lyrics for "hush little baby" are basically saying "I will buy you anything if you just shut the hell up"

Sneezing is like using sonar to find polite people.

I always hit the "no receipt" button at the ATM because I don't need that negativity in my life.

Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

Dating would be a lot easier if the opposite sex had a tail. That way, I could see if it was wagging or not after I did or said something.

This year for Lent I'm giving up hanging out with all the people who gave up drinking for Lent.