Funny Status Ideas

According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.

If pigs could fly, nobody would be eating chicken wings.

I bet Sean Connery only ever asked his wife to sit in his lap the one time.

I'm lucky to be broke at a time when minimalism and sustainability are in style.

Non-alcoholic beer is like a vibrator without batteries. It fills you up nicely but without the buzz.

So glad I don't have a thigh gap. Almost dropped my phone in the toilet but my legs were like "no man I got you".

Just burned 2000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap.