Funny Status Ideas

Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth. I woke up half an hour later & my whole apartment was on the internet.

In case of fire, do not use the elevator. Use water...

Not to brag or anything, but I don't need alcohol to make really bad decisions.

If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime", say "I'm ready to hang out now" and watch them panic.

I really have to stop using this little microphone on my phone that types whatever you say as it keeps making mistakes punctuation point

The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there' .

If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke breaks a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.