Funny Status Ideas

I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. I couldn't park anywhere near the place

Adulthood is when 4:30am is early in the morning instead of late at night.

I have an irrational fear of speed bumps but, I’m slowly getting over it.

It's with a heavy heart that I announce...I have high cholesterol.

So many people are obsessed with vampires these days....who needs vampires when a mortgage and a job are enough to suck the life out of you.

Mosquitoes are basically just used, flying, dirty needles

Watching all these Hollywood people pretend they didn't know about Weinstein is some of the best acting they’ve done in years.