Funny Status Ideas

My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with football. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 3 1/2 seasons.

Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money.

Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.

I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.

How can they have a Facebook group called Facebookers Anonymous? That's like trying to hold a successful AA meeting in a bar.

Some of us live thousands of miles away from the majority of our relatives and can't be with them for the holidays. But don't be jealous.

Swiss army knives are only like 8% knife.