Funny Status Ideas

Sometimes I buy huge pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

The batteries in my electric toothbrush died before I finished. I've never sympathized more with women in my life.

LinkedIn: Where high school acquaintances proudly show that they eventually grew up and became employable.

Do you ever get bored on the internet and then grab your phone to see what the other, smaller internet is up to?

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.

The Viagra commercial always says "Make sure your heart is healthy enough for sex" which is really insightful if you think about it.

At work, sometimes I secretly brew decaf coffee in the normal pot so that everyone else works at my pace.