Funny Status Ideas

LinkedIn: Where high school acquaintances proudly show that they eventually grew up and became employable.

Do you ever get bored on the internet and then grab your phone to see what the other, smaller internet is up to?

The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from.

The Viagra commercial always says "Make sure your heart is healthy enough for sex" which is really insightful if you think about it.

At work, sometimes I secretly brew decaf coffee in the normal pot so that everyone else works at my pace.

People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.

Whenever Im put on hold for more then 10 minutes I always wonder how long I'd have to wait if my call wasn't "Very Important" to them?