Funny Status Ideas

I before E except after C has been disproven by science

Thanks to synonyms "Forgive me Father for I have sinned," and "Sorry Daddy, I've been naughty," are the same sentence.

I'm pretty sure most people who walk around with ear pods in aren’t listening to anything and just don’t want anyone to talk to them.

I got the death stare today when my mechanic asked if I wanted my tires rotated and I was like, "No thanks, I'm pretty sure they do that all by themselves while I'm driving"

I tried to remember the Macarena and wound up telling a deaf girl I screwed her husband.

I had so much fun last weekend. I got two drinks named after me.

Is it too much to hope that my good cholesterol will be a positive influence on my bad cholesterol?