Funny Status Ideas

You don't actually wash your hands. They wash each other while you stand there looking at them like a creep.

Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

‪The temperature went from 85 to 60 like seeing a State Trooper on the highway. ‬

If cats had wings, they would still just lay there.

If you’re in a Sublime cover band, you actually DO have to practice Santeria.

I don't understand people that say hurtful things like "Want to go for a run?" or "Hey, try this kale!"

My therapist told me my narcissism causes me to misread social situations, but I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.