Funny Status Ideas

My wife told me to grow a pear... What the fuck does fruit have to do with killing this spider?

My wife asked me if I drank too much tonight? No, I don't even know who that is. But I raised my glass and said "Here's to Much".

Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you'll never go back" episode of Mythbusters.

Thanks iPhone autocorrect, I'm sure my dad wanted to know that I miss going on our weekend fisting trips.

I have a kleptomania problem. I should probably take something for it.

California leads the nation in pot production and BigFoot sitings. Coincidence? I think not...

My brother just said "I make girls scream my name in 10 different languages " HAHA What a dumbass!