Funny Status Ideas

How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can't get it with a $150 hotel room?

Just farted what sounded exactly like an elderly woman yelling "Hai-ya!" through a mouthful of pudding.

I'm not worse at typing texts when drunk than normal, but the errors amuse me so much more that I send them anyway.

I don't care what they say, the first guy who milked a cow and drank it was a massive pervert.

You know that schizophrenic hobo that has nonsensical conversations with himself? That's Twitter in real life.

Hmm… I wonder how people would react if I walked into SEA WORLD with a fishing pole?

Dear Axe body spray, Please put a suggested serving size on your bottles. Sincerely, choking girls everywhere