Funny Status Ideas

Whenever my gums bleeds at the dentist, she always asks me when the last time I flossed was. I look at her puzzled. It was 6 months ago. She was there.

It's a good thing Cedric the Entertainer wanted to pursue showbiz otherwise that name would be awkward.

My neck is killing me. My memory foam mattress must have amnesia.

I'm too tired to do a lap dance. How 'bout I just sit on your knee and you do the horsey thing?

If my dog is good I'll change the channel during the sad ASPCA commercials. If he's not I hold his eyes open like in A Clockwork Orange.

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of whiteout. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

Just farted in the bath and nearly drowned trying to smell it!!!!