Funny Status Ideas

FACT: Vampires aren't on Tumblr because they can't take pictures of themselves in front of a mirror.

I do my best proofreading right after I hit send.

Returning to work after a happy vacation is a great way to remember how to hate people.

Last month my financial adviser said to invest in alcohol and drugs in this economy. This morning I found out he meant companies.

The easiest way for me to tell if a woman is really listening to me is if she rolls her eyes.

I worry someone has already tweeted a cure for cancer but there was a typo so we just sighed and moved on

You can make your fat friend exercise by changing his cell phone ring to the sound of an approaching ice cream truck.