Funny Status Ideas

From now on everyone should start saying "No" when asked to be put on hold.

When I explained Twitter to my mother she said, "Sounds like group therapy where no one's getting better." Well played, Mom. Well played.

My wife thinks I'm at work. My boss thinks I'm home sick. These ducks think I'm awesome cos I have the bread.

Twitter: Where we all write our wrongs.

Pro tip: when spitting your gum out, make sure to pull your hair back first. Unrelated: hey guys I just got a haircut!

It's hard to show dominance over your cat as he watches you clean his litter box.

In an accident with a midget, I asked if he was okay. He said "I'm not happy" so I asked which one he was. And that's how the fight started.