Funny Status Ideas

My wife thinks I'm at work. My boss thinks I'm home sick. These ducks think I'm awesome cos I have the bread.

Twitter: Where we all write our wrongs.

Pro tip: when spitting your gum out, make sure to pull your hair back first. Unrelated: hey guys I just got a haircut!

It's hard to show dominance over your cat as he watches you clean his litter box.

In an accident with a midget, I asked if he was okay. He said "I'm not happy" so I asked which one he was. And that's how the fight started.

Let’s hope the zombie apocalypse doesn’t start in Kenya because there is no way any of us can outrun those bastards.

Easy on the makeup ladies. I don't mind giving you a hug, but I do mind looking like I just cleaned a pottery wheel with only my chest.