Funny Status Ideas

We regard God as an airman regards his parachute; it's there for emergencies but he hopes he'll never have to use it.

A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed

I can picture in my mind a world without war, without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

I leave the seat up in the ladies room so the next girl gets scared.

My Doctor told me low vitamin D levels are a Diabetes risk. Well, what he actually said was “Go outside, Fatty.”

From now on everyone should start saying "No" when asked to be put on hold.

When I explained Twitter to my mother she said, "Sounds like group therapy where no one's getting better." Well played, Mom. Well played.