Funny Status Ideas

I may look calm but in my head I've killed you more than three times.

I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

Just sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellant. Now he'll never have friends.

I wanna steal a doughnut truck and go on a high speed chase because I think it'll be funny watching a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck on the news.

As a non-smoker, "Thank You for Not Smoking" signs make me want to be thanked for other stuff I'm not doing.

I'd rather sit naked on an iceberg serenaded by Rebecca Black for the rest of my life than let anyone see the full history of things I've googled.

I watched the entire P-90X series and didn't lose a pound. What a scam.