Funny Status Ideas

Good news is my daughter paid back the $3000 she owed me. The bad news is she gave it to me in singles that smell like whiskey & cigarettes.

To prepare her for real life I make my daughter pretend to tweet on a toy phone when she's taking a crap.

My Masseuse just read 'Cinderella' to me ~ That's the last time I ask for a happy ending.

Today I saw a baby with a bib that said "This dumbass put my cape on backwards."

Here's a love poem, it's called, "Are You Getting Prettier or Am I Just Lowering My Standards?"

Al Qaeda's second-in-command has been killed in Pakistan. This guy dies more often than the world’s oldest person.

I just saw a stripper's baby with a caterpillar tattoo on its lower back.