Funny Status Ideas

Watching Hugh Hefner have sex must be like watching someone try to puncture a Capri Sun pouch with an earthworm.

Here's a note I left myself last night, for today: "Look at your to-do lists from Thu - Sun. Now actually do that stuff."

Nothing makes me question my manhood while at work more than the times I need to change the bottle on the water cooler.

What is about public restrooms that make people go, "Yeah, I'm just not going to flush that."

Dirty pop songs are only acceptable in the car because the teenagers think the parents are to old to get the lyrics and the parents think the kids are too young to understand.

Ugh, nobody reminded me and I let the bedbugs bite.

Fat demons need exorcise.