Funny Status Ideas

Women with dreadlocks are my best chance to ever get married due to their obvious long-term commitment to awful decisions.

I hope someone will document at least one girl's evolution from "Toddlers & Tiaras" to "Teen Mom" to "Intervention" to "Hoarders."

The job interviews for marketing at mobile phone vendors must be fun. "How many beers does it take before you begin to have trouble keeping track of items on the counter or table?"

Costco sells Guy Fieri marinated meat. At times like this, my tendency to take things literally leaves me with an ugly mental image.

Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It's a baby, not a stash of heroin.

I bet turtles have one hell of a farmers tan.

I hate double standards. If my wife calls me 'daddy' during sex, it's supposed to be hot. I call her 'mommy' and it's game over.