Funny Status Ideas

When someone asks, "Can I be honest?" before saying something, you have to wonder what the hell they're doing the rest of the time.

I judge the authenticity of a Chinese restaurant based on the number of typos on the menu.

Falling asleep? Cool. Hey I need to pee like immediately." - my body, every day

"Hold your breath it gets better." - Aladdin/David Carradine.

You'd think after all these years that Warner Brothers would hire a speech therapist for Elmer Fudd and Porky Pig.

How did the hipster burn his lip? He ate some pizza before it was cool.

Don't get so puffed up when someone calls you a pillar of the community...so was Lot's wife.