Funny Status Ideas

Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes, unless you are trying to complete a task before the microwave beeps.

They look like God did a drum solo on their face with ugly-sticks.

If you think writing in the proper tense is difficult now, just wait until time travel was possible.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

I don't care about its correlation to my ability to trust them─ I just like throwing people.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

There's a 99% chance that you're awesome. Act like it.