Funny Status Ideas

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

If Cinderella's shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?

Hipsters hate rivers. Too mainstream.

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

I was being sincere when I told my friends their baby looks like a movie star I just failed to mention that the kid looks like E.T.

Time to go grocery shopping. Just fed the kids peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwiches...on hot dog buns.

Based on the amount of sugar and cream I put in my morning coffee, "melted coffee-flavored milkshake" is probably a better description.