I hate when I look horrible in a group picture and the person who looks good, refuses to delete it.
A cat falls into a puddle of water. A chicken starts laughing hysterically. The moral of the story is "A Wet Pussy Makes A Cock Very Happy".
Guns don't kill people, dad's with pretty daughters do.
Unless the place you're checking into has celebs, free drinks, or is on fire, Twitter doesn't need to know about it.
Say "I won a math debate" really fast.
"The only person who never makes mistakes is the person who never does anything." - Denis Waitley
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.