Xyuppi
I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.
PizzaDr
I wouldn't mind being alone with my thoughts, if I didn't know them all so well.
That's the last time I ask Jesus to bring the water for the AA meeting...
This year for Lent I'm giving up hanging out with all the people who gave up drinking for Lent.
Dating would be a lot easier if the opposite sex had a tail. That way, I could see if it was wagging or not after I did or said something.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I always hit the "no receipt" button at the ATM because I don't need that negativity in my life.