WTF Statuses

I, put commas, in, weird places, so that, you, will, read, this, like William, Shatner.

My shirt has two button-down options: Uptight golf dude, or disco chest hair.

“Shit ton” is my favorite unit of measurement.

It’s 2015. Why cant you unselect a floor in an elevator yet?

When I’m at a restaurant I like to ask the waiter, “What’s your most frequently photographed entree?

I'm not insulting you, I'm describing you.

The only thing that appears correct on my paycheck is the amount I got paid is “gross.”