The problem with reading a good book is that you want to finish the book but you don’t want to finish the book.
So far my Christmas shopping has involved buying myself presents, so I'd say it's been a success.
Remember, children. The best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.
Success is like a fart. It only bothers people when it's not their own.
I just realized I’ll never be a Lawyer because I can’t pass a bar.
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse first. That pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage
Sometimes it’s just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.