WTF Statuses

The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5.

I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.

If you need a celebrity to tell you to vote, you probably shouldn’t vote.

There's a lot of talk about voting today. Is American Idol back on or something?

My brain has too many tabs open

I only seem to remember I want to lose weight AFTER eating 6 cookies.

Office thermostats only have 2 settings: hell fire and hypothermia.