WTF Statuses

If my life was a GPS it would constantly be recalculating

My dream job would be the Karma delivery service

My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.

7 billion people on the planet and I can only tolerate maybe 10

I love how people say they’re “expecting” a baby, as though it might be something else, like a penguin or a lawnmower

Posting a status update before responding to someone's text is the easiest way to let them know how unimportant they are.

The best things in life can't be seen or touched. At least, that's what the restraining order says.