I'm thinking about moving to Alabama just so I don’t have to keep scrolling through all those other states when I sign up for websites.
Boss: Are you on drugs? Me: You and I both know I don't make enough money to have a drug problem
One bad decision is called a mistake. A couple bad decisions is called stupidity. Several bad decisions is called "My Life."
Amigo
I wish we could donate body fat to those in need.
Amigo
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn’t make the cut.
Who needs rhetorical questions?
If you ever come over unannounced, it'll take me at least three minutes to answer the door because there is no way I was already wearing pants