WTF Statuses

Yesterday I had to screw in a light bulb. Later, I crossed a road and walked into a bar. My life is a joke.

I snorted a few lines of Centrum Silver and now I've got the urge to drive 25mph in the left lane with my right turn signal on all night.

I'm going door to door to promote my new gym. It's called "Jehovah's Fitness".

The best things in life can't be seen or touched. At least, that's what the restraining order says.

I’m going to start responding to videos people post of their babies on Facebook with videos of me getting eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.

I only eat the entire pint of ice cream in one sitting so that I won't be tempted to eat it later.

There should be an observation deck at Walmart.