I'm holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team.
You'll notice you never see sweatpants with "Classy" written across the butt.
There are two types of people: People who go to sleep on time and people who have Netflix.
I was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill. People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
Balloons are so weird. "Happy birthday, here's a plastic sack of my breath."
I don't have a smartphone I have a phone that shows potential but doesn't apply itself.
Amigo
I've reached the age where happy hour is a nap.