I don't take steroids because I never want to look like I'm capable of helping my friends move.
A teenager without earbuds is the modern day unicorn.
I finally found a diet plan that works! It's called 'The Cost of Food'.
Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you'll get if you "fall asleep right now".
I'm trying to decide if I should update all my software "Not Now" or "Remind Me Later".
Denise
Help wanted: Local club seeking experienced comedian. Serious applicants need not apply.
I miss being able to slam my phone down when I hang up on somebody. Violently pressing "end call" just doesn't do it for me.