Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. - The Swiss Army
I love to tell someone there's a typo in their status when there isn't and watch them slowly lose their mind.
When do we start voting each other off?
I’d say fair market value for most of my stuff is somewhere between “too cheap to sell on ebay” and “too nice to throw away yet”
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I'm getting tired of having to write "Sent from my iPhone" at the end of all my e-mails. Maybe I should just get an iPhone.
This girl once told me she wanted me to do it doggy style, so I licked her face, crapped on the carpet, and bit her mailman in the ankle.