WTF Statuses

An easy way to "have your cake and eat it, too" is to buy two cakes.

I'm not saying Burger King is slow, but I ordered the Angry Whopper & by the time I got it we were on speaking terms again.

There's never been a lazier group of people than the ones that settled on naming a candy bar "Whatchamacallit."

I’m in big trouble if my coworkers find out that I really don’t have Tourette’s

My roommate complained that I never lifted a finger to help around the house. So I lifted a finger. Apparently, it was the wrong one.

"You wouldn't hit a man with glasses, would you?" - No. I'd hit him with knuckles.

I bet the worst part about being single is knowing that even Hitler found someone who loved him.