WTF Statuses

I want an auctioneer to read my eulogy.

I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of planes.

Why is it called lukewarm? Why isn’t it just medium warm? Who the heck is luke?

Don't get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.

I don't feel bad for making jokes about my 2 year old here. If Facebook is still around when I'm old they'll be posting about wiping my butt too!

I want to live life to the fullest. So much so, that the Westboro Baptist Church will picket my funeral.

I am never having kids. Everything they do is your fault...