I think it's good that these high school kids keep asking celebrities to be their prom dates. Let them learn early that life is disappointing.
Your mom jokes are old and stretched out. Just like your mom.
I wish the minutes after hitting the snooze button lasted as long as microwave minutes.
Nolan
When you put your hand out the window on the highway, make sure you're making a fist. That way, when a bug hits your hand, you're actually punching it at 70 mph.
I can tell how uncomfortable a person is just by hugging them for 18 minutes
I was just forced to use "Almond Milk" in my cereal. "Do almonds have teets? Where in the hell is almond milk from?"
I'm at an age where when I see a guy with a hot body and I think, "Man, I just want to place a sleeping infant in those arms and go take a nap."