Darkest: the exact moment you’re trying to find your seat at a movie.
I hate when women say their body is "shaped like a Coke bottle" and fail to mention that bottle is a 3 liter.
Wish me luck. I'm about to tell this highway it's adopted.
It's so cold, I just got a $5 foot long from subway, but by the time I got back to my car it was only 6 inches.
E.B. FlipShank
I'm going to safety pin a couple of dollar bills to my shirt tomorrow and see how many people give me a dollar. Not because it's my birthday; I just figure it's better than pole dancing.
Amigo
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first orders a beer, the second orders half a beer, the third orders a quarter of a beer, and so on. … After the seventh order, the bartender pours two beers and says, “You fellas ought to know your limits.
I've had this ant farm for a year now and these lazy bastards still haven't grown any crops.