My wife felt me because I’m dyslexic.
I've come to the conclusion that my Alexa is just another pet by how often I have to tell her no every day.
Calling someone a subpar golfer is very confusing.
At my funeral I'm going to have a Sharpie chained to the coffin so friends can draw one last dick on my face
If you tweet a picture of a meal you're about to eat, you have to also tweet a pic of the dump you take the next day.
I worry someone has already tweeted a cure for cancer but there was a typo so we just sighed and moved on
We didn't default! I haven't been this excited about averting a voluntary disaster since the time I didn't stick my hand in a paper shredder.