I’m still not convinced that Spotify wasn’t originally the working title of a tampon commercial.
The sick bastard who put the ‘D’ in Wednesday must be the same genius who put the ‘R’ in February.
I hope to be just famous enough to one day have two people I've never met debate whether I'm alive or dead.
Some girls look like they got their makeup done at Sherwin Williams.
I use Siri so infrequently these days that when I talk to her it's noticeably awkward, like running into your ex.
Dave Asten
My wife is going to get a big surprise when she tries to sleep in tomorrow. I superglued a thumbtack to the snooze button.
If thought bubbles appeared above my head, I'd be screwed.