When I die, I want to be buried with some random animal bone just to confuse future archaeologists.
Have you seen the new movie "Constipation"? It hasn't come out yet.
My mom texted me "What does IDK, LY & TTYL mean?" I answered: "I dont know, love you, talk to you later." Mom: "Ok, I'll ask your sisters"
If you ever laugh so hard that your ass actually comes off, stuff probably stops being funny really quickly.
An economist is just someone who's job is to make a weatherman look accurate.
I'm surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I've dropped and shattered my phone.
I didn't trip. The floor gave me a dirty look, so I attacked it.