Just saw "The Lorax." Weird how they got Snooki to grow a moustache!
My wife has given up sex for Lent. Now I know the true meaning of Palm Sunday...
Dear vending machines, I'm sorry if my dollar isn't straight enough for you. Sincerely, stop being so homophobic.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mousetrap on my patio. Like he sat there and thought about it.
I'm going to buy you a condom for your head, because if you're going to act like one. You might as well dress like one.
Dear Dora, How the hell do your get your shirt over your head. Sincerely, Physically impossible
Moms, you can't live with them and you can't be alive without them.